Things I learned in Miami.

- Girls rollarblading in bikinis is not a stereotype. It is a way of life.
- Crosswalks are a suggestion. Only tourists obey them.
- So are red lights.
- Not running red lights will get you honked at.
- When you see the man riding his bike down the street with a rooster on the back, wait until you're out of earshot to mention, "nice cock."
- If a bar has $4 mojitos and is in South Beach, it's a gay bar.
- If a bar is playing Madonna and it is in South Beach, it's a gay bar.
- Men: The line, "I'm from the sex institute. We like to have lots of sex." Will not get you laid.
- Men: Neither will, "When I saw your body, I wanted to be in it."
- Women: "So why are you single?" "I'm a complete bitch." Will.
- If the hotel pool and beach access are 24 hour, you will find people drinking and swimming 24 hours.
- There no glass is allowed on the pool deck. A handle of rum in a plastic bottle is.
- One can lose 3 pounds in 5 days by eating a light breakfast, a hearty lunch, and rum and coke for supper.
- If your flight is at 7 a.m., and you don't leave the hotel until 6 a.m., you will sleep on the airport floor until 3 p.m.
- Macaroni and cheese with tomatoes, scrambled eggs with maple syrup and a glass of milk will help with the headache part of a hangover.
- It will not help with the nausea part of a hangover.
- Never make fun of a friend with a Saturday morning hangover when the likelihood is high you will have a hangover on Sunday.

It could always be worse.

This will probably be my only post this week, as I'm out of town tomorrow-Friday, and prepaing for an absence at work is almost enough to make Chuck Norris cry. Almost.

Please visit my buddies listed to the right for the best info about what's going on about town. See you next week!

Local man develops products for Ask.com, farts information.

Note to JBJ, when creating a photo-collage, be wary of background elements that come too close to the subject's delicate areas.

Looking at the above graphic, my question is does this Will Reed guy have very informational flatulence, or is he just talking out of his ass?

Todoist: Coke, Hoes, Wine, and Birthdays.

Wed: Local film Cocaine Angel screens at MOCA as part of their Q&A series. $8 cover, $6 students. MOCA @ 7 p.m.
Wed: Thee Imperial hosts the Gemini Ball. Pimp/Ho theme, Pimp/Ho auction, Beer Pong, drink specials for Geminis. No cover for ladies (pre-midnight) or geminis (all night).
Friday: New wine bar Tastings celebrates their grand opening with deals, raffles, and live music.
Sat: Tastings continues their grand opening celebration with performances by Aerial Tribe @ 8 p.m.-midnite-ish.
Sat: Anomaly celebrates their two-year birthday with a summer party. 10% off all purchases, cold adult beverages, and excellent people. Anomaly in Five Points @ 6 p.m.
Sun: The Jacksonville Allstars kick it in Memorial Park. Kickball game @ 2 p.m.

Homobombastic.

Just imagine the kind of damage a gay bomb could do. People would be permanently blinded by the reflections of disco balls and sweat on waxed chests! Walmart stock would plummet, while Abercrombie & Fitch and Banana Republic would skyrocket! Birkenstocks would eclipse high-heels as the sexy footwear of choice for women!

Oh, the humanity!

Happy Fuckin' Friday

Todoist: Guys and Dolls and Balls.

Thur: Dozens of local restauranteurs come out the play at the annual Foodfight benefitting Second Harvest Food Bank. $50 cover. Jax Municipal Stadium @ 6-9 p.m.
Fri: Classic bad-guy-loves-good-girl musical Guys and Dolls opens at Theatre Jax and runs through 6.23. $20 cover. Show @ 8 p.m.
Fri-Sat: Inconceivable! The Princess Bride shows as the Midnite Movie @ SMT.
Sat: Have your ever heard a death rattle? Boomtown's last night in the Subterranean space. $12 cover. Nocturnal Escape Soul Release @ 8ish.
Sun: The Jacksonville Allstars kick it in Memorial Park. Kickball game @ 2 p.m.

Artwalking with style: The Freeloader's Guide.

[click to download the completely unofficial (but more boozy and geographically sound) jaxopolitan artcrawl map]

1: OPAQ @ TSI: Art=interactive installation. Munchies=free [chew?].
2: LRK Architects: Art=hit or miss. Wine=free.
3: Florida Theatre: Art=good. Wine=free.
4: TTV Architects: Art=meh. Wine=free [crap].
5: AmSouth Bank: Art=student. Wine=bleak.
6: Bank of North Florida: Art=unknown. Wine=free. Munchies=free.
7: BellSouth Tower: Art=hit or miss. Munchies=free.
8: Café 331: Art=unknown [canvas and prints]. Wine=unconfirmed. Munchies=free.
9: River City Deli: Art=unknown [photography]. Wine=free. Munchies=free.
10: Jacksonville Bank Building: Art=good. Wine=free. Entertainment=music [PC Synergy].
11: Gold's Gym: Smoothie=free. Massage=free. Gymnasium smell=free.
12: WA Knight Building: Art=excellent. Beverages=hit or miss.
13: Chew: Art=none. Food=awesome [pay]. Entertainment=music [The Carlisle Group].
14: VyStar: Art=unknown [renderings, cityscapes]. Beverages=free. Munchies=free.
15: Bryan Building: Art=hit or miss. Wine=none. Entertainment=model drawing and painting, spoken word, music.
16: Hemming Plaza: Art=both the best and the worst. Entertainment=hit or miss [drum circle, bellydancing, scenes from The Rocky Horror Show].
17: MOCA Jacksonville: Art=good. Full bar=cash.
18: Shelby’s Coffee Shop: Art=unknown [photography]. Beverages=free. Munchies=free.
19: Needless Things: Art=unknown [glass, ceramics, canvas]. Wine=free.
20: Laura Street Gallery: Art=meh. Wine=free. Munchies=free.
21: Shugar Shack Chocolatier: Wine=free. Munchies=free [chocopop].
22: The Art Center: Art=hit or miss. Wine=free. Munchies=free.
23: Burrito Gallery: Art=good. Beverage=pay. Entertainment= music.
24: London Bridge Eatery & Pub: Art=good. Beer=free w/flyer. Entertainment=live music.

Download the official Artwalk Flyer from Downtown Vision. [DVI] [WARNING: Burrito Gallery, Central Fire Station, London Bridge and TTV Architects are all noted 1 block east of actual locations]

Shopaholics Anonymous.

Word through the grapevine is Parisian department store is going out of business (they were bought by competitor Belk).

As such, there's a serious sale going on, as they're liquidating all their inventories (especially the Parisian label). Sales are 40%-50% off-ish.

Discount shoe shopping, anyone?

Ah, the beach. Waves crashing into the sand, Cars crashing into buildings - This is the life.

A driver with an outstanding warrant for failure to appear on a DUI charge and a suspended license crashed a $100,000 Mercedes into the Surf Station in Saint Augustine.

Wait, isn't Paris Hilton supposed to be in Jail, not in St. John's County? [FCN]

Todoist: Return of the Killer Tomatoes.

Tue: C10 hosts "Duck & Cover!" Helmets optional. After work-ish.
Wed: Artwalk Artcrawl Downtown. Rundown to come the day of.

Postscript: Thanks for hanging around despite my noticeable absence. I wish I could say it was a glamorous overseas vacation, but alas, it was just a couple intense work weeks.

The Toolist.

In case you checking the Todoist to see what to do this weekend, Jaxo P. is at the Tool concert.

The difference is, in Jax officers can handle their brownies.

Todoist: Fuck it, nothing's competing with the Film Fest.

Thur-Sun: Visit Jax film Festival's site for schedules of film viewings and parties.

Grey Goose Gala is Saturday @ The former Haydon-Burns Library.
Black and White Gala is Friday @ The Grotto.
The Talkies with John Waters is Saturday @ San Marco Theatre!
There's too much else to list it all.

(Read: I'm too lazy to list it all. See you out and about.)

But where's the ocean of porn?

Much like the early cartographers of America, someone has taken it upon themselves to chart the new Map of Social Media. Not to be used for navigation purposes, as some locations are not necessarily to scale, this is nonetheless an excellent piece of fun.

I think this is a map only of the new world. Porn must all be on the other hemisphere.

In Putnam County, they call this classy.

Man proposes to woman on Billboard.

Duval County has gangs? Word.

Safety Alert: The Bad Touch.

When you live and work in the urban core, some things are inevitable. Breaking a heel in a storm grate, running into your ex when you look like shit, and unpleasant encounters with disturbed individuals.

There appears to be a pervert hanging around the Southbank recently.

Last week, a female friend of mine was walking through the bus/skyway station at Kings Ave, and passed by a man, ahem, servicing himself. She logically quickened her pace and avoided eye contact, when he started to follow after her yelling obscenities. She then ran into her her office building.

She described the man as, "African American, probably in his mid 30’s with short curly hair. He was wearing baggy jeans with boxers showing. Due to the circumstances, I did not get a good description other than to say that he looked a little 'rough'."

Last night, a female employee from a neighboring office was approached by man with a similar description as she entered her car (parked at the Wyndam).

While on a smoke break at the Wyndam, another woman saw a man matching the description doing the same sort of thing at the bus station.

JSO has been contacted regarding the events, and will continue to step up patrol in the area. They have asked that if you see any suspicious activity, to please call them immediately. The telephone number is 630-0500. Report what you saw and it will appear on the screen of the nearest police officer.

Treat yo mama right.

Don't forget - Mother's Day is Sunday!

Listen to Mr. T - call yo mama!

Todoist: Beer before art, always smart. Liquor before golf, never fault.

Thur: Baseball's never been drunker with Thirsty Thursdays! Jax Suns host Birmingham. Tix run $6-$30, dollar beers all night. Game starts @ 7:05.
Fri: The Players comes to the Landing with interactive golf challenges and live music. The Players Downtown Experience @ 4, Fireworks @10.
Fri: OPAQ hosts a one-night-only art show to benefit the Jax Humane Society. Cheap art, great cause. Reception @ 8-11.
Sat: 9th and Liberty opens the Digital to Physical show: The concept of the show was to find artists online from all over and to assemble them together in a physical space. From digital to physical. It’s like online dating, but not really? Reception @ 6-10.
Sun: Jacksonville Asian American Alliance hosts a pre-JFF screening of Hero @ San Marco Theatre. $10 cover includes box lunch. Lunch @ 1, Movie @ 2.

It may rain, but the Suns keep shining.

Not to brag or anything, but you know you work in a great place when e-mail threads between co-workers go as follows:

Agency Pep Squad: I am in the middle of finalizing our plans for the Suns ball game. Would you please help me out by RSVP-ing to me sometime today?

Jaxopolitan: Baseball's never been hotter.

APS: Will you be bringing a guest?

Jaxo: Nope. But I'll probably pick up some drunk frat boy standing in line for dollar beers.

APS: Baseball's never been hotter! :)

Black, like my soul.

A few months ago, a blog post popped up suggesting that because it takes fewer watts to light a black screen than a white one, A black google could save energy.

I'm a big fan of slacktivism, so when an opportunity presents itself to put forth virtually zero effort and still feel good about myself, I generally jump on it.

Blackle is such an opportunity. It's an primarily black version of Google's search engine (just search, no spiffy maps or images, etc). According to the website, they've already currently saved 4,700+ Watt hours.

They suggest setting your homepage to Blackle instead of Google to continue saving even more energy.

I certainly think the is the best idea ever. How else can you save the planet while searching for free porn on the internet?

The machine is us(ing us).

I saw this video months ago, but totally forgot to post it. I suck, I know. Digital Ethnography by Michael Wesch, PhD, Asst. Prof. of Cultural Anthropology at Kansas State. It's probably the clearest way I've seen Web 2.0/RSS/Tagging/Etc. portrayed without totally dorking out.

Let me tell you about the boat show.

Artwalk Rundown: You can lead a whore to culture, but you can't make her think.

Plaza III Steakhouse: Art=historic photos. Munchies=1/2 price. Beverages=1/2 price.
OPAQ @ TSI: Art=contemporary. Munchies=free [chew?].
LRK Architects: Art=hit or miss. Wine=free.
Florida Theatre: Beverages=cash. Entertainment=Film Fest preview.
TTV Architects: Art=meh. Wine=free [crap].
11E: Art=hit or miss. Wine=free [crap].
Koja Sushi: Sake=free [first one].
AmSouth Bank: Art=unknown [bowls]. Wine=free.
Jacksonville Bank Building: Art=good. Wine=free. Entertainment=music [PC Synergy].
Gold's Gym: Smoothie=free. Massage=free. Gymnasium smell=free.
BellSouth Tower: Art=hit or miss. Munchies=free.
Café 331: Art=unknown [photography]. Wine=free. Munchies=free.
WA Knight Building: Art=excellent. Beverages=hit or miss.
Chew: Art=none. Food=awesome [pay]. Entertainment=music [3rd bass].
Bryan Building: Art= hit or miss. Wine=none. Entertainment=model drawing and painting, spoken word, music.
Hemming Plaza: Art=both the best and the worst. Entertainment=hit or miss [drum circle, bellydancing, live music].
MOCA Jacksonville: Art=good. Wine=none.
Shelby’s Coffee Shop: Art=unknown [photography]. Beverages=free. Munchies=free.
Needless Things: Art=unknown [glass, ceramics, canvas]. Wine=free.
Laura Street Gallery: Art=unknown [brand spankin' new].
Shugar Shack Chocolatier: Wine=free. Munchies=free [chocopop].
The Art Center: Art=meh. Munchies=free. Entertainment=live music.
Burrito Gallery: Art=good. Beverage=pay. Entertainment= music.
London Bridge Eatery & Pub: Art=good. Beer=ladies' night. Entertainment= live music.

Download the Artwalk Passport from Downtown Vision. [DVI]

UPDATED: Call for artists: Humane Society Benefit Show.

[image via cute overload]

CREATEjacksonville and OPAQ Gallery are teaming for a one-night-only art show to benefit the recently fire-ravaged Jacksonville Humane Society.

They're currently looking for artists willing to donate work - interested parties should contact Brittni at CREATEjacksonville by Tuesday, 5.8.07.

Artwork does not have to be animal related. The show will be held Friday, 5.11.07 @ 8-11 p.m.

Non-artists may support the event by buying excellent donated artwork, and/or dropping off blankets, beds, food bowls, food etc.

Clusterfuckery. Also known as street closings.

The Water/Hogan Street area near the Landing will be closed all weekend (Thur, 5.3.07 @ 8 a.m. through Tues, 5.8.07 @ 6 p.m.) for the Sail Jacksonville event.

One day I will learn to stop taking Water and rely on Forsyth exclusively. Unfortunately, old habits die hard.

Info via [DVI]

Todoist: Artistic Alcoholics.

Tue: The C10 gringos host Uno de Mayo. Margaritas, latin music, and sombreros shall ensue. Attendence by invitation only. After work until the tequila's gone.
Wed: Artcrawl. Remember to wear comfortable shoes - one never wants to spill free wine. Downtown @ 5-9.
Thur: Olive, formerly known as Luna, hosts a grand opening party and 20% storewide sale Thursday and Friday. Cocktails and light fare provided.
Fri-Sun: Sail Jacksonville docks at the Landing, and hosts self-guided ship tours, a viewing of The Goonies Friday night, and fireworks Saturday night. No cover. Reference site for activity times.
Fri: Jane Gray Gallery hosts the opening of Photo Process, alternative process photographs. OMG! Photos that aren't digital? They still make those? Reception @ 6-9.
Fri: Leo Rijn premieres his Monumental "Cat in the Hat" Bronze Sculpture and his newest Dr. Seuss Secret Art and Illustration artworks at R. Roberts Gallery. Reception @ 6-9.
Sat: 1951 Market hosts an art open house. The venue itself is worth checking out, plus art from excellent local artists. Opening @ 3-6.
Sat: Bogda hosts an art opening featuring a baker's dozen of artists, live music, and free adult beverages. Reception @ 8-11.

Excellent wavelength.

Most bands are musicians. You go to their concert, they play live music. Yay.

Great bands are performers. You go to their concert, and it's not only a live version of the album, but fun and games, as well.

Julius Airwave are seriously great performers. On saturday, at their Freebird show, I was hit in the face by:

2 sizes of balloons
3 sizes of confetti
bubbles
a toy para-trooper

Plus, they gave the crowd glow-sticks in a completely non-rave sort of way.

The entire floor of Freebird was white when the show ended. No wonder their next show isn't until the summer, they'll be spending the next two months cleaning.

At least soon you'll be able to get your Julius fix on disc. More on the album soon.

Todoist. All filler, no killer!

Thurs: AIGA Jax hosts mid-week binge drinking Cocktails & Creatives in the Southside. After work until we get thrown in the paddy wagon @ Buffalo Wild Wings.
Thurs: Free shots, cheap drinks, free Julius tix, and the friendlist DJ in town. Paul Zimmerman spins POP! @ Eclipse, midnight-ish.
Sat: St. Paul's hosts a community garage sale. I'll be praying for a cheap bicycle. 8 a.m. until?
Sat: Community Picnic in Memorial Park with proceeds benefiting St. Johns Riverkeeper. Lunch by Mossfire Grill, Burrito Gallery, Biscotti's, Sweet Pete's Catering and Casbah. $10 donation, lunch @ 1.
Sat: Riverside Avondale Preservation hosts a self-guided tour of ten historic homes. $15 admission, Saturday @ 10-5, Sunday @ 12-5.
Sat: Jacksonville's indie-rock darlings Julius Airwave play Freebird Live in celebration of their new release "The City The Forest" (drops May 8). Support by ShangraLa, Sensei, and Plain Jane Automobile. Cover $7-$10, Show @ 9.
Sun: Beer, sunshine, and good people pegging each other with an oversized rubber ball. Kickball in the Memorial Park at 2.

Cafe: Nola quick service for you!

Always excited to give a Downtown eatery a second chance, today I tried Cafe Nola in MOCA. My first experience was awful, but they've since changed management (Nola is now run by MOCA, not Chives), so I decided to let bygones be bygones, and give them another shot.

The food is pretty good. The warm rolls brought out were divine, but the fruity butter that accompanied them was overwhelming. Really great bread doesn't need a lot of flavor piled on top, and the fruit distracted from the warm doughy-ness.

My grilled asparagus and goat cheese salad was similar. Perfectly cooked asparagus and yummy goat cheese was matched with an under-whelming blueberry vinaigrette.

Unfortunately, I didn't get finish my salad, as once again, it took nearly an hour to be served, and work beckoned. I took my check and more than half of my meal to-go.

It wasn't a bad meal by any stretch of the imagination. The setting is lovely, and the food was alright (although $10 for an okay salad does pinch).

However, I cannot possibly imagine ever recommending Cafe Nola as a lunch spot for anyone who actually takes a lunch hour. This restaurant is exclusively for business owners and people with days off during the week.

New favorite place to eat the week before payday: Big Pete's.

Walking around Downtown last weekend in an effort to lead a healthier lifestyle (read: fit into pants I've recently out-grown), an interesting awning caught my eye: "2 slices & drink $2.97."

Holy crap!

Today, catalyzed by a sad checking account and 7 days until payday, I decided to check out Big Pete's Pizzeria on Julia. Before entering, I basically decided this was about to be the most awesome or the most gut-wrenching lunch I've ever had.

Well, second most gut-wrenching. I don't think anything could top that day somebody accidentally fed me chicken. (shudder)

I digress.

A couple co-workers and I chipped in a whopping $2.50 each for a large cheese pizza. Surprisingly, it was not bad!

Greasy? yes.
Doughy? yes.
Hot? yes.
Better than frozen pizza? depends on the brand.

So, will Big Pete's de-throne Al's as the best pie in town? Nope. Will they help me fit back into my "thin" pants? Hell no.

Will Big Pete's fill an empty stomach for the mere cost of digging through the change collected at the bottom of your purse?

Hells yes.

Don't close Pandora's box.

Pandora is a pretty killer site. It's an online streaming music station that "learns" what you like based on the ratings you gives songs.

Big effing deal, right? There's a huge variety of pre-programmed music stations in the world, anyway.

The nice thing about Pandora is that it eventually becomes far more customized to your tastes than a pre-programmed station ever could be. You don't have to sit through a queue of bands with uninspired lyrics and hackneyed riffs just to hear one decent song. (Not that I've ever had that experience with broadcast radio in Jacksonville)

However, recent laws have threatened Pandora and similar Internet radio. The Copyright Royalty Board recently decided to triple the licensing fees for Internet radio sites like Pandora. The new royalty rates are irrationally high, more than four times what satellite radio pays, and broadcast radio doesn't pay these at all.

Left unchanged, these new royalties will kill every Internet radio site, including Pandora. In response, Internet radio sites formed the SaveNetRadio Coalition, a group that includes listeners, artists, labels and webcasters.

If you give a damn, I suggest Signing the petition to have the new decision revised. Just enter your address info, and it'll automatically e-mail a copy of the letter (you can use their canned letter, or write your own) to all your reps.

Todoist: Sit on your ass and be entertained. That's the American way.

Thur: POP! goes your sobriety at Eclipse as DJ Paul Zimmerman spins. First 100 through the door get a free shot of liquor, $2 drink specials all night. $2 cover.
Thur: Last chance to see the original South Korean horror movie The Host at San Marco Theatre before Hollywood turns out another B-Class remake a la Dark Water. Show @ 9.
Fri: SMT pretends to be an art house by showing the 2006 Oscar Nominated Short Film Program, both live action and animated (they make it a two-for-one double feature, if your ass doesn't fall asleep). Runs for the next 2 weeks.
Fri-Sat: Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon, a scary flick for people who love horror movies, plays at midnight at SMT. Just please go to the bathroom beforehand. We don't want anybody peeing themselves (with delight!)
Fri-Sat: Much Ado About Books embraces nerd-dom and celebrates books, with proceeds benefiting the Jax Public Library. Free Festival Admission, $40/Keynote Luncheon.
Sat: Modern music, classical instruments, presented by three hot Korean sisters. Seriously. Ahn Trio @ Church of the Good Shepherd @ 8. Tix run $25/general admission, $5/students.

Happier than a Pig in Shit.

Have you had one-too-many "chit chats" about the sexual harrassment policy with HR? When women slap you across the face and walk away mumbling profanities, are you excited that you get a great shot of her ass?

At Pigs Anonymous, the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Created by and for players in the advertising industry, PA has all the support you'll need: Videos, an advice column, and a quiz to judge your progress.

If you know a pig who is unaware he has a problem, you can report him, and he'll receive a friendly e-mail inviting him to join the program.

It's true, scary things do happen on Friday the 13th.

This is for my peach-state visitors. Much love.

Ferris, the 13th.

Todoist: Politics+Design+Tombstones. Who could ask for anything more?

Thur: Check out baby-faced presidential hopeful John Edwards speak at FCCJ South. Or, stand outside with a protest sign! Whatever floats your boat. Speaking engagement @ 7:00 in the Wilson Center.
Fri: AIGA Jax hosts a speaking engagement withRafael Esquer of Alfalfa (NYC) at the Radisson on Salisbury. Reception @ 6, Speaking Engagement @ 7. Cover runs $5/members, $15/non-members.
Fri-Sun: The annual Jacksonville Jazz Festival is hosted downtown, including a performance by Chuck Mangione! (Music featured in Simpson clip above) Tickets run $10/general admission, $150/VIP. JJF for schedule.
Fri-Sun: After watching reruns of Six Feet Under on Bravo, the mood should be perfect for a cemetery tour! Tours of Historic Evergreen Cemetery run all weekend. Tickets run $12/adult, $4/children. Proceeds benefit Wolfson Children's Hospital.
Sat: AIGA Jax presents the annual Portfolio Review at the Radisson on Salisbury. A day to laugh, cry, and watch young hearts get crushed and splattered onto their life's work. Portfolio Reviews run 9 a.m.-5 p.m., and the alcoholic drowning of sorrows commences immediately afterwards. Check Jax AIGA for registration fees.
Sat: What's greener than the Chicago River during St. Patrick's Day? A bunch of people talking about global climate change and how to remedy it. JCNI hosts a conversation with local experts about Global warming followed by reception. Riverside Prrebyterian Church @ 2:00.
Sun: As the Beastie Boys said: "Let's kick it!" Kickball in the Memorial Park at 2.

Relax!

Temporary hiatus to get my head together. But Frankie says, "Relax!" Thursday will bring a Todoist so good it might just make your head explode. Just ask this guy:

Wank on, wank off.

Designers are Wankers is a new networking site for creatives.

Part MySpace, part Flickr, the site allows you to create a profile and join the community named Plebsville, and start making friends. You can also browse randomly, or make connections with friends of friends.

There's space to upload your portfolio, be it illustration, graphic design, film, fine art, whatev. Instead of Myspace's Name/Age/Location way of viewing multiple profiles at-a-glance, Designers are Wankers previews profiles by Name, Industry (Artist, Design, etc), and status (Pro, Student, Stiff).

Because MySpace is so To Catch a Predator.

Suicide by stapler.

Sometimes, work sucks.

Not all the time. I mean, we get bagels on Fridays. So that's pretty killer. Honestly, bagels on Friday is really the only thing preventing me from flinging myself off the Main Street Bridge most days.

Ok, so I have unhealthy love obsession with carbs. Deal.

But I digress. Some days, work sucks so much you'd rather kill yourself than talk to another.one.of.your.horrible.coworkers.

And that's why Adult Swim created Kill Yourself in 5 minutes!

You have 5 minutes until your meeting, thus 5 minutes to kill yourself. Use the stapler. Hit on your homophobic coworker until he beats you up, and more!

Because if you can't live (or die) vicariously through video games, what's it all about?

via Jax Confidential

Todoist: High Voltage!

Thur: Danger! Danger! Electric Six plays at Jackrabbits. $10 cover. Doors @ 8. [JR]
Thur: German painter Judith Rosenau opens at Burrito Gallery. Show @ 6:30. [BG]
Fri: Movin' 100.7 and Crowne Plaza sponsors "First Friday Deck Party on the River." Food and beverage specials, live entertainment, prize drawings, great weather and a good view. No cover. 5-8 p.m. @ Crowne Plaza. [DVI]
Sun: Celebrate Easter with brunch and kickball in the park. [KBC]

Alanis, you complete me.

I'll admit it. I have a warm spot in my heart for Alanis Morissette. I came of age during "You Oughtta Know" and "Hand in my Pocket." I even loved the big-haired Star Searched Alanis of the 80s.

Which is why her cover of "My Humps" makes me fall in love with her all over again. This may be the song I have played at my funeral. Why? Because now I can die happy.

Børk ze chocolad!

It's Monday. Everybody could use a little chocolate moose.

Choose his fate: Grizzly man!

Grizzly Man

The beard: Shave it or Leave it?

Shave it, and let us see your beautiful face! Leave it, go for the ZZ Top look! Shave it, but leave a goatee and sideburns - the Joe Dirt look is hot! Shave it, but leave lightning-shaped sideburns! Something completely different - Leave suggestions in the comments!

View Result

Free Polls

Please Passover the Coke.

Apparently, for Passover, observant Jews don't eat certain grain products, including the ubiquitous High Fructose Corn Syrup.

This is a big deal! No Skittles! No Pop-Tarts! No soda?

At least Coca-Cola is trying to ease the burden by producing sugar-based Coke during passover rather than the normal corn-syrup based. Word through the grapevine is the sugar-based soda is so much better, you should try some, even if you're not observing Passover.

Look for bottle with yellow caps, and the OU-P symbol:


[image via off the broiler]

Because sugar makes everything better.

Todoist: I'm blaming it on the hangover.

Fri: Art After Dark @ Florida Theatre. $15 cover, $50 VIP. Event starts at 7. [AAD]
Fri: Love Brigade hosts a Charity Fashion Show @ Tera Nova. I know, I know, it's the Southside. But how many opporunities does one have to mention a guy who willingly calls himself "DJ Tiny Pants?" $15 cover, $25 VIP ($5 discount if purchased in advance). 8 p.m. [LB]
Sat: North Florida School hosts their annual Bachelor/Bachelorette Charity Auction @ Main Library. Sure, it's sort prostitution, but at least the proceeds go to a good cause. $50 cover, $150 VIP. Plus money to buy a man whore bachelor. Auction 6:30-10:30 p.m. [NFS]
Sat: Hipsters go monochromatic for the annual Black & White Ball @ TSI. Free Of Montreal tix for the best dressed. $5 cover. [TSI]
Sun: Of Montreal plays @ FreeBird Live. Doors @ 8, Show @ 9-ish. $12 tickets.

A very special Hump Day.

Today marks the 24th anniversary that Mommypolitan and Daddypolitan brought life into the world.

Celebrate little miss Jaxopolitan's B-Day at Burrito Gallery after work. Happy hour drinks until seven, inappropriate conversation and uproarious laughter until they kick us out.

Homophone-ic.

Sometimes spell check just doesn't get it right. We've all been there. A big fat typo that reads "form" instead of "from."

It sucks. Whatev.

Most of our mistakes don't get splashed across the front page of CNN.com, though.

I can't view the video on my work computer, so can someone verify that "Inmate Idle" really is a misspelled headline about singing prisoners, a la "American Idol," or is this really a video about a bunch of lazy convicts?

A movie for girls who like guy movies.

[image via That Other Blog]

300 opened at the San Marco Theatre last weekend. What better way to watch a quintessential guy movie than with a pizza and a pitcher of brew?

This movie has taken a lot of shit for its glorified and graphic violence, and linear plot. And that's okay. 300 wasn't made for the masses. It was made for the comic-book-reading Tarantino-loving guilty-pleasure-indulgers.

The only problem is, I don't feel guilty about taking pleasure in it.

Not as gruesome as Kill Bill v.1, but almost, guys will love this flick for the decapitations, refusal to back down (much less surrender), and raging testosterone.

Ladies, I know. Looking at the blood and guts is icky. But while they're fighting, they're doing so in little more than leather speedos and crimson capes. If you're doing payback from dragging your man to some shitty chick flick like Because I Said So, you might as well pick your battle, and have some serious eye candy.

Of course, the plot does glaze over a lot of the detail and intricacies of Sparta, and the battle itself. If at all possible, I suggest watching Last Stand of the 300 on the History Channel before watching the movie, as it is an excellent documentary and fills in the gaps.

A little History Channel to help you dork out, a little Hollywood to help you freak out - This has the makings of an excellent weekend.

What a Tool.

Progressive rock band Tool will grace Jacksonville with a stop on their Summer 2007 tour with a stop at the Veterans Memorial Arena on Saturday, June 2.

The band is touring in support of their most recent release, 10,000 Days, which has already sold 1.4+ million copies.

Tickets are available via TicketBastard, but all floor tickets have already sold out, so unless you want to get stuck in assigned seating, it's on to Craigslist.

This will be Tool's first stop in Florida in 5 years. Attendees from the Lateralus tour described it as a religious-like experience.

Nine Inch Nails last year, and Tool this year? Congrats, Jax, this little city is drawing some big names.

Throughout the ProJax.

Karenoke, for mimes.

Todoist: Benefit some charities, then mooch food off the land developer.

Thur: Thursday Night Drinking Club grunges it at Shantytown in Springfield. $5 donation benefits the Speech and Hearing Center of Jacksonville. One free PBR (Ohh, how hipster! How Ironic!) and $2 Yuenglings all night. 7 p.m. until last man standing.
Thur: Flux Productions hosts PB&J (Party, Benefit and Jam) with a handful of local performers. All proceeds benefit Jax Hubbard House. Ragland's in Five Points @ 8:30.
Fri: 300 opens at San Marco Theatre. I was actually worried I'd have to venture all the way to the Petri Dish Southside to see it.
Fri: El Topo, "The Definitive Cult Spaghetti Western" shows as the midnight movie at San Marco Theatre. Shows midnight-ish.
Sat: The Shipyards hosts a model opening shindig with refreshments and live music. Check out the model home, and dream of marrying up so you can afford to live there. The Shipyards @ 10 a.m.-5 p.m.

Caution: prescription side effects include shattered eardrums.

[Photo by David Lawson. View additional photos from 3.10.07]

I've seen a lot of local bands.

I grew up in Orlando, FL, less than half an hour away from Full Sail: a school with a student body better known for heroin addiction than musical talent. Orlando is the heroin capital of the United States, after all.

Thus, not only have I seen a lot of local bands, but I've seen a lot of shitty local bands. I generally have a very low expectations.

So, imagine my surprise when I walked into a show two weekends ago, and actually said to a friend, "How late are we? There's no way this is the opening band."

How delightful to be wrong.

I walked in to see Atlanta post-nü metal band Haloscript exhibiting stage presence, musical intensity, and crowd command like snake charmers at the edge of a serpent pit.

Well, mostly. Sometimes even the best snake charmers get taken by surprise.

Formerly known as Headcheck, Haloscript recently emerged from the recording studio with a refined sound, a new album, and a new name.

"We changed our name because we wanted to emerge from the studio with a fresh image to reflect our fresh sound," said singer Dust Johnson.

The fresh sound Dust refers to formed during several months spent in the studio recording with Clint Lowery (Sevendust, Dark New Day) and Corey Lowery (Stereomud, Dark New Day), time spent polishing what the band started.

"We had a lot of great ideas, but no cohesive sound. You could absolutely tell the difference between songs written by different members of the band," Dust said.

Now, Haloscript has a solid sound they're preparing to release within coming months. They've recorded the album, sent it to Rodney Mills for mastering, and will release it simultaneously with a web site launch, MySpace page re-design, and tour of the Eastern US.

Meanwhile, songs Atlanta in Ashes (featuring Morgan Rose of Sevendust) and Scarlet Canvas are available via Haloscript's MySpace page. Upon release, the album will be available through the band's website and via CDbaby.com. Select Clearchannel affiliates will support the upcoming single.

Currently determining tour dates for the Spring and Summer, Haloscript plans to visit Jacksonville in May. Which is lucky for us: as is the case with most alternative metal and nü metal bands, the album is good, but the live show is where it's at.

March 10, Haloscript opened for Sevendust, In Vitro and Diecast at the Atlanta stop of Sevendust's Alpha Tour.

During Haloscript's set, water splashed onto the sound board, located behind the crowd. Initially, nobody knew exactly what happened, but assumed that Haloscript was playing at the time, thus were responsible.

Afterwards, the band was cleared. Video taken that night shows no wrongdoing; a member of the crowd, not a member of the band, grabbed a water bottle from the stage and tossed it back.

Since the incident, Haloscript made sure the bands affected by the night's events harbor no hard feelings. According to Dust, everyone understands it was a fluke accident.

Which is excellent for everyone involved.

Because Haloscript is a band ready to make some noise. And, I assure you, they are well-equipped to do so.

-

Haloscript is a five-piece Rock/Metal band based in Marietta, GA. Members include Dustin "Dust" Johnson (vocals), "Saint" Andrew Woods (guitar, vocals), Jamison Wathen (bass), Charlotte Kelli (keyboard, vocals), and Lance Adair (drums).

District Branding, the musical!

Two weeks ago, AIGA Jax hosted The District Branding Event with Bennett Peji to a full capacity crowd at Burrito Gallery.

For those who missed the event, Photos and Podcast are now available.

Drink and fight, don't drink and drive. That's the Irish way!

Oh, how I love Saint Patrick's Day. It's a time to celebrate the little guy from Lucky Charms, pinch some hottie ass, and generally be a drunken wretch without judgement.

Because of this fact, AAA is again offering Tow To Go service for us drunken wretches who just can't say no to another shot of Patron.

Also known as Tipsy Tow, all you have to do is call 800.AAA.HELP (800.222.4351) and they'll hook you up with a participating wrecker company who will tow both your Faux-Irish ass and your car home. Assuming you remember where you live.

The service is free to AAA members and nonmembers alike, and is available Friday and Saturday.

[AAA]

Todoist: Beware the Ides of March. Nah, beware drunk kiddies two days after.

Thur: AIGA Jax hosts Cocktails and Creatives at Fionn McCool's Irish Pub. After work until last man standing. [AIGA] | [MCL]
Fri: Some bull named Martin is having a birthday shindig at Burrito Gallery. Expect the usual suspects. [BG]
Sat: Amatuer Night Saint Patty's Day is held throughout the city and beaches. The beaches are always a clusterfuck, so I suggest a little Burrito Gallery/London Bridge/Bay Street action. [BG] | [LB] | [TSI]

The Beer Belly: For men with guts.

Summer's coming soon. Which means, in addition to constant bitching about global climate changes, fist fights over the perpetual argument of heat versus humidity, and assholes asking, "Hot enough for ya?" There will be some pretty excellent summer festival concerts and outdoor events.

The only problem is, after paying for admission and parking, who can afford to drink $6 beers all day?

The Beerbelly fixes all that. A polyurethane bladder attaches to your midsection, creating a stealth compartment for carrying more than a six-pack of hooch. Sure, you'll look like a fat bastard, but your beer-induced sense of self confidence will overcompensate for that.

Ladies, if drinking while looking preggers isn't your thing, fear not! Currently under development is the Wine Rack, a bra that performs miracles of all sorts! Because seriously, what's hotter than a drunk girl with big ta-tas?

Critical Mass.

[click to enlarge]

It's funny because it's true.

Creative minds think alike.

Adobe: The Creative Mind.

Explore your world.

Life imitating news imitating life.

The above clipping from this week's Folio (which cites my Feburary 27 post) is currently hanging in up the First Coast News studio.

I like to imagine it's stuck to the refrigerator with an alphabet magnet and little gold star stickers. Because "local media gold" really deserves a gold star or two. [FCN] | [FW]

Have your city, and eat it, too!

[click image to enlarge]

Jacksonville Skyline cake from last night's District Branding Event. Note the Haydon-Burns Library, Main Street Bridge, and Modis Building.

Best Artwalk Ever?

With a Farmer's Almanac and a lucky 4-leaf clover, you couldn't pick a more perfect day for an Artwalk. If you have the ability to leave work early and sit outside today, I strongly suggest.

See everyone tonight!

Yeah, she'll remember that affair.

Note to Jacksonville Magazine:

Perhaps using a headline that not only mentions "affair" in reference to marriage, but is actually the title of a classic movie where two people leave their fiancées for each other- Well, maybe that's not the seed you want to plant in the mind of a Bridezilla.

Todoist: With a week like this, who needs weekends?

Tues: C10 honors co-owner/DJ/pastry chef J-BAD's birthday. Attendance is by invitation only. After work until last man standing. [C10]
Wed: Downtown Vision hosts everyone's favorite freeloading activity, Artwalk. Snag wine and munchies at galleries and shops throughout the urban core. [DVI]
Wed: Artwalk is punctuated by The District Branding Event, held upstairs at Burrito Gallery. Only 75 seats, after that admission is standing-room-only. Reception @ 6, Lecture @ 7. [PRV] | [AIGA]

Dork out!

If you're not familiar with arguably the best animated series of my childhood, Freakazoid! Allow me to give you just enough info to get you by:

Nerd has superhero powers only when he shouts, "FREAK OUT!" and turns into Freakazoid.

Well, I have similar powers. Allow me to demonstrate:

Jaxopolitan has supernerd powers when she shouts, "DORK OUT!"

Tomorrow there will be a lunar eclipse from 22:44 to 23:57 GMT (5:44-6:57 Jax time). The eclipse will also cause the moon prior and after to turn blood red. How freakin' awesome is that?

Hope for clear, red, awesome skies! [NSS]

Beer helps maintain your deluded sense of self-confidence.

Todoist: Low-Key weekend in preparation for the best Artwalk ever.

Fri: Roll James Bond-style at Impact Jax's Vegas Night. Casino games, Elvis impersonators, free hors d’oeuvres and cash bar. No cover. Reception @ 7:30, Casino @ 9 @ Downtown Hyatt. [IMPCTJX]
Sat: San Marco Theatre shows the bat-shit crazy David Lynch film Mulholland Dr. as the Midnight Movie. [SMT]

The price of being predictable.

Apparently, all you have to do nowadays to be featured in a Gucci ad is to get naked and take a photo. Brilliant!

This young man photographed himself semi-nude, placed the Gucci parfum bottle and logo on the page, and called in a media buy to a Swiss publication. "Send the bill to Gucci!"

Apparently, he called so close to press the sales team didn't have time to verify the legitimacy of the order, and it looks like your standard "Are you good enough?" fashion ad, so they ran it. And sent the bill to Gucci. The bill was $50,000.

Gucci, having no idea who the crazy-dilated-eyed dude in the ad was, was understandably displeased.

Now, nobody has any idea where this guy is.

Young design students, take notice - all you need to turn some simple spec work into shameless self promotion is a good camera, good body, and no fear of felony charges.

[via FCN]

Newsish: And the winner is...

Jacksonville's local news media have long been competing for the title of most obvious cliche, and the only way to fairly judge them is to examine each outlet's coverage of the same story:

From the shameless self-promoting "4" in every possible headline, and constant alliteration of Channel 4:



To Florida Times-Union's attempts on clever headlines, but not quite hitting the mark:



To our awesomely bad winner, First Coast News, who wins based on both effectiveness and quantity of puns:



Suspects corralled in the Golden Corral, the investigators who caught them were on a stakeout at the restaurant? This is local media gold.

First Coast News, we salute you.

If only I had seen this around Valentine's Day.

If it's boyfriend season, does that mean we get to shoot them?

[Ad via MySpace]

Todoist: No need to call a cab, I prefer to crawl.

Thur: JaxMac hosts the Addys, an opportunity for creative professionals to get dressed up, celebrate themselves and get tanked beyond recognition. So, a normal Thursday night with nicer clothes. [JAXMAC]
Fri: The Jax Hoo-Haas Cudas play Huntsville at the Arena. Dippin' dots, booze, and men slamming into each other. What else could you want on a Friday night? Veterans Memorial Arena @ 7:05. [JCD]
Sun: Jacksonville Film Events hosts the Academy Awards Party as a benefit for the Jacksonville Film Festival. Munchies and an open bar. $50 cover. WJCT studios @ 7:30-11:30 p.m. [JFE]
Tues: Gym Class Heroes play at Freebird. It's a shitty drive, but it's nice to see bands and not go home smelling/tasting like smoke. $15 Tix. Doors @ 6:30. [FBL]

Hail Florida!

Tony posted this video of a statue of the UF gator getting erected (and subsequently demolished) on Ohio State's campus. During its short lifespan, this statue was spat on, kicked (where the sun don't shine), knocked over, and beaten with his own limbs.

Of course, given the resemblance to the toppled statue of Saddam Hussein, one can understand the hostility.

Happy Lint!

[Image via T-Shirt Humor]

Party on, you crazy Catholics.

How to Ace an Intervention.

[Click to view How to Ace an Intervention]

This short showed at the Florida Theatre at Artwalk about a year ago. I figured it might come in handy for that post-Mardi Gras intervention your friends and family are planning.

Lush.

UPDATE: Apparently the embedded quicktime was making some computers sad, so I've disabled it. Check out Ned Farr's site, the creator of the short film, to view.

Single serving Todoist.

It's a touch early in the week to have any idea what's really going on this weekend, but there is something happening tonight.

The San Marco Theatre will show Caffeine as part of the Jacksonville Film Events Reel People Series.

"A fanciful battle of the sexes ensues when the relationships of the staff and patrons of a quirky London café are unexpectedly turned upside down by sudden revelations of terribly embarrassing secrets having to do with their sexual misadventures." [IMDB]

It's too new a film to have any sort of review on Rotten Tomatoes, so you're flying blind as to if it'll be any good.

What do you think? Do you feel lucky?

Caffeine @ San Marco Theatre @ 7:30 p.m.

Revitatlize the Urban Core! Drink! It's a win-win!

March 7 (This upcoming Artwalk) AIGA's Jax chapter will host a lecture by Bennett Peji, an urban designer, who will discuss urban branding and identity.

Bennett Peji is an AIGA National board member and a Commissioner of Arts & Culture for the City of San Diego. His firm, Bennett Peji Design, specializes in helping the revitalization of cities and cultures through urban design and district branding. He serves as master plan consultant for the Filipino Village development in National City.

The lecture will be in Burrito Gallery's Upstairs space, which limits capacity. Cover is free for AIGA members, $10 for non-members. Hors d'oeuvres & Cash Bar @ 6, Lecture @ 7.

RSVP now, or get more details at AIGA Jax.

People say, "Children can be so cruel." No, they're just more open about it than adults.

Replace the words "Ice cream," in the above sketch with "New computer," and that's the song I'm singing today.

Well, without the skin-tight red leather jacket.

The pants, though...

Note: Adams Street is one-way. And not that way.

What does a guy in a banana suit do when he's skateboarding against traffic on Adams Street at 10 p.m. on a Thursday?

Why, he takes a call on his handy retro phone handset!



Tony has the mad skillz, yo.

VD and Single, vol. 5.

[image via Exploding Dog]

VD and Single, vol. 4.

[Image via Threadless]

Google hates "L" on Valentine's Day. They must be single.

In creating their super-fantastic customized logo for Valentine's Day this year, Google forgot one tiny detail. The "l" in their company name.

Blame it on the intern, guys. It's way easier to shit-can somebody who isn't even a paid worker.

Wrap it up.

Okay, I get it. Not everyone harbors the same hostility towards Valentine's Day that I do. It's cool. I'm happy for you. Just remember to keep things safe tonight.

I'll be damned if I go to any baby showers.

Todoist: For the love of vodka.

Tues: Joe Duffy speaks at the annual I Love Design event. $5 cover for members, $20 for non-members. Reception @ Chew @ 6. Lecture @ The Library @ 7. [AIGA]
Thur: AIGA Jacksonville hosts Cocktails & Creatives at Onyx, the bar in Bistro Aix. After work until last man standing. [AIGA]
Sat: MOCA hosts Canvas of Sound, their version of a rave. Er, "warehouse party." whatever. $10 cover for members, $15 for non-members. MOCA @ 9 p.m. - 1 a.m. [MOCA]
Sat: Inertia celebrates their birthday with a storewide sale, free keg, water balloon fights, and other horse-assery. Inertia @ 5 p.m. [INRA]

What's a single girl to do? Oh yeah, get drunk.

VD and Single, vol. 3.

Allegedly, the opposite of love isn't hate - it's indifference.

So, show someone you care with an Anti-Valentine. With selections ranging from "Stop Talking About Your Fucking Wedding" to "I'm so Lonely," you're sure to find just the right e-card to express your undeniable bitterness/depression/spite.

VD and Single, vol. 2.

[Image via the band Sweetheart Attack]

VD and Single, vol. 1.

Some are just too beautiful for this world.

Anna Nicole Smith has died after she was found unresponsive in her room at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Hollywood, FL.

The REAL reason Boston reacted so strongly to Lite Brites.

Artwalk + Pubcrawl = Artcrawl.

So, last month's Artwalk was pretty much rained out. So I'm recycling my list from last month with a few minor edits.

This is by no means a comprehensive list, just a compilation of places listed as having goodies by DVI, and a few who aren't listed as hosting refreshments, but I have a good feeling about.

Default:
OPAQ: Free munchies from Chew. Drink specials downstairs. The first opening under the name OPAQ, worth checking for curiosity's sake.
11E: Unlisted - They always have shitty wine.
Headquarters: Music by DJ Catharsis and PC Synergy, "hospitality (read: grub) provided."
Gold's Gym: Free massage chair, food and refreshments.
WA Knight Building: A collaborative surface of temporary interest. Refreshment outlook cloudy - last month they had a free keg.
Chew: Live music from The Carlisle Group. If you need food to absorb all the wine you've downed, eat here. The food's not free, but it's worth it.
Shugar Shack Chocolatier: Complimentary wine and samples of ChocoPop.
London Bridge: Happy Hour 5-7 for the men, all night for the ladies.
Burrito Gallery: No free stuff, strictly afterparty.

Auxiliary:
The Metropolitan Loft Apartments: Wine and appetizers available. Plus, curiosity to check out why these one-bedroom apts are so bloody expensive.
LRK Architects: Wine and refreshments available.
Koja Sushi: First sake free.
Twisted Martini: Free premium cocktail, bottle or draft beer, glass of house wine or the martini of the day (with Artwalk Passport).

As always, the "official" Artwalk afterparty is at Twisted Martini. But seriously? It's Chew for good eats and Burrito Gallery for drinks and people sightings.

Download the Artwalk Passport from Downtown Vision. [DVI]

Now Art-Walk it out.

Todoist: Insert clever headline here.

Tues: I (heart) C10. Valentine's themed playlist includes music to say "I want you/Ilove you/I hate you." Attendance by invitation. Or bring booze. Or cupcakes. after work until last man standing.[C10]
Wed: Artwalk downtown. 6-9 p.m. [DVI]
Thur: Eclipse celebrates its own Super Sweet Sixteen with Julius Airwave on stage, free kegs, drink specials, and Bloc Party giveaways. POP! @ Eclipse @ 10 p.m.-2 a.m. [DJPZ] | [ECL]
Thur: Bill Klingensmith presents Drive Project, an experimental interactive mapping project at JU. Fine Arts Hall of the Philips Fine Art Building @ 7, Refreshments follow lecture. [BK] | [AIGA]
Fri: Violet stays open late for a Valentine's show. Discounts through the store and adult beverages will be served @ 6-9 p.m. [INV] | [VIO]
Fri: Bright Young Things show opening, featuring the hottest young painter in Jax. Thanks for the info, Joey! Jane Grey Gallery @ 6-9 p.m. [INV] | [JGG]

Is it sweeps again already?

First Coast News vows to educate the parents of the dangers of date rape drugs. No word yet on the dangers of allowing teenagers to watch My Super Sweet Sixteen.

It's really sad that the local news stations are so far behind pop culture. Everything I ever needed to know about date rape drugs, I learned from Veronica Mars.



Oh, how I miss old, young, spunky Veronica. Sure, she's still spunky, but now the CW's got her all sexed up. Or maybe it's Peta who's got her all sexed up, with their "Sexiest Veg Alive" thing.

I'm blaming it on the cucumbers.

Speaking of The Sexiest Vegetarians of 2006, how good was Prince at the Superbowl? The Foo Fighters may have to retire "Best of You" from their live setlists.

Colts? Bears? Both LOSERS.

Prince won Superbowl XLI.

Go Hoo-Has!

There's a reason I don't watch sports.

It's not that I don't like them. I'm not allowed to. It's a self-imposed edict. I don't watch sports because I love them too much.

I made an exception last Friday. I attended a Barracudas hockey game.

For $28, I got:
• Admission (including two fights and enough legal violence to make any girl happy)
• A Huge Rum & Coke
• Dippin' Dots (The Ice Cream of the Future!)
• The crowd shouting "Go Cudas!" (That sounded either like "Go Hoo-Has!" or "Go Cooters!")

While I really could've done without the assholes seated behind us screaming, "Fight!" The whole time, as it ruins the mood. It's sort of like yelling, "Crash!" at the Daytona 500. Everyone secretly (or not-so-secretly) wants to see carnage, but it's in bad taste to openly root for it.

Assholes notwithstanding, my London Bridge Pub/Barracudas Hockey Game night was awesome. I strongly suggest.

Superbowl, Superfans. Coincedence? I think not.

I've had my Phil, thank you.

Aqua Teens give Bostonians the finger.

I think it's obvious to everyone that the Aqua Teens now pose a greater threat to Americans than the Terrorists. Perhaps even greater than Global Warming. Note the similarities between Aqua and Al Queada.

In a marketing ploy gone bad, concerned citizens of Boston confused these irrevent Lite Brites with suspicious devices. What's most amusing is that Fox News went wall-to-wall with the coverage. CNN, strangely absent. As it turns out, Ted Turner owns both Cartoon Network and CNN. I can just hear the producers snickering at the repeated Fox News Alerts.

Well Ted, we'll see who gets the last laugh when you get slapped with a $500,000 fine for the publicity stunt.

Ode to the forgotten french fry.

Cheers to you, forgotten french fry.

When the sandwich is gone, and last fry is eaten, you come to the rescue.

Hiding under a piece of lettuce, you appear magically for one last bite.

That last dab of Ketchup-Mayo pink sauce (3 parts K, 2 part M) would go tragically lost without you.

And I, as a foodie, would be tragically lost without you.

Forgotten french fry, I may be in love.