It's never too early to teach child the importance of respect.

[Click for larger screenshot]

What if your kid doesn't want to eat his green beans? Or brush his teeth? Does he lack respect for the Godfather?

Hasbro now makes it even easier to make him an offer he can't refuse. [ENTEARTH]

UPDATE: This post has been picked up by toy blog 16-bit. It turns out there are people with equally demented senses of humor in the world. And to think, I actually questioned whether the joke was worth the borderline grossly tasteless photo. [16BT]

Shake it like an Etch-a-Sketch.

Ladies and Faeires, it's time to start cashing your paychecks in $1 bills.

Chippendales is coming to Herpes Capital of Duval County Plush December 13. [PLUSH]

Bridge over troubled Waters.

The next installment of the San Marco's series The Talkies (previously featuring H. G. Lewis, writer/director of 2000 Maniacs) will be part of this year's film festival. Mark your calendars now. Enter in you Palm Pilot.

John. Fucking. Waters. will be here on Saturday, May 19th.

There will be a panel discussion with John Waters around 4ish, and at 9:30 he will host commentary during a screening of Polyester in 35MM.

And because such things must be done in style, Tim from SMT even promises to have Odorama cards for audience members. More details when tix go on sale. [SMT]

UPDATED: Todoist: Raid the Holidays, Artsy-Fartsy style

Thur: Architects, interior designers, graphic designers all join together to celebrate their mutual love of parties and hangovers. The Holiday Affair @ Fogle Fine Art @ 7. Cover is $40 (includes drink tickets). [AIGA]
Fri: The Art Center (located within the Carling) hosts an opening reception 5-8:30. Music, muchies, and beverages to be expected. [TAC]
Fri: The Shoppes of Avondale (who do they think they're trying to kid with those extra letters?) host Christmas in Avondale, where the devout and the secular alike enjoy the bastardization of Christmas. Free goodies in the shops, and a fat drunk man dressed in red will be present. [AV]
Fri: Julius Airwave [JA] opens for Casper and the Cookies (featuring Jason NeSmith, formerly Of Montreal) [C&tC] @ TSI. $5 Cover. [TSI]
Fri-Sun: Harrison Ford, back when he was a rugged young man unafraid to get his hands dirty, instead of just a dirty old man. Raiders of the Lost Ark @ San Marco Theatre's Midnight Show. [SMT]

Gone, but not forgotten: Kitty Harris (hearts) Florida.

Florida - Weeks after the election, nobody has any idea who the fuck won or why so many votes are missing, but the Demmy concedes and everyone's blaming things on bad ballot design. [WP]

Deja vu. [DFD]

See, Ma? Design matters!

Cars, blah, blah, Parking, bitch, bitch, Write your own tickets? Absolutely!

Just about everybody in the local blogosphere has been bitching about parking, and power-tripping meter maids Downtown. I haven't. I've never had a problem, probably due to the fact that most of my Downtown trips are post-6 p.m.

That isn't to say I don't have my own parking-induced profanity-laced episodes of crazy.

Finally, someone has created something for those of us with anger management/road rage issues that's more elegant than an illegible profanity scrawled across the windshield in lipstick.

Wishingfish now carries parking citations. These give the power to the people, so you can publicly embarrass that asshole in the Publix parking lot who left their dog in the car in August, let their car alarm ring all night long, or Double-parked while picking up their dry cleaning.

Because who gives a damn if you're parked halfway across a yellow curb? Just owning a Hummer is much greater offense. [WF]

Christmahanakanzaa or something like that.

Is there anything Google hasn't indexed? I was trying to find the correct spelling of this completely made up word and sure enough, Google says "Did you mean: Chrismahanukwanzakah? So sure enough, I clicked on that link to find the Wikipedia article on this little known but soon to be holiday sensation.

I'd be surprised if their wasn't a Festivus site somewhere. There's probably people who throw actual Festivus parties.

So, would the new politically correct term be Chrismahanukwanzafestivus?

Apparently.

Even in the 30s, people needed booze to get through the holidays.

The holiday season has arrived. It's a time for togetherness as families celebrate Thanksgiving. Christmas. Hanukkah. Repeal Day.

Because who can really deal with holiday cheer without serious sedation?

Tuesday [12.5] is Repeal Day, the anniversary of when the 18th Amendment to the Constitution (you know, that paper that says you can own guns and say what you want) was repealed by the 21st Amendment.

In English? Let's just say it bitch-slapped Prohibition into oblivion. It announced that not only is getting drunk and beating your wife not illegal - it's an American Pastime!

On Easter Christians celebrate the resurrection of Christ. On Repeal Day, Lushes celebrate the resurrection of Booze.

Please refer to your hymnal, and toast "Amen."

via [CHOW]

Thanksgrotto

I just received an email from the Grotto announcing their Fifth anniversary party Wednesday, November 22. In their words, come by for "wine, food, giveaways & DJs Brian V & Catharsis spinning great music. Stop by on your way home or later in the evening, we'll be here all night."

Another one bites the dust.

Downtown indie store Moon Colony Razorblade will shut its doors a week from today.

11.20-11.22: open 12-6PM
11.23: it's Thanksgiving, they're closed, Fool!
11.24: 10AM-2AM
11.25: 10AM until last man standing
11.26: Closed, Fool!
11.27: Concert @ 2PM; tears, fire, and rioting in the streets as MCR pulls the plug.

Now until Monday all merch is on dramatic clearance, details available at MCR's newly anemic site. [MCR]

It's not gambling if it's a sure thing.

James Bond. Swoon. We've all heard it before.

But seriously, Casino Royale.

Fucking Swoon.

The movie itself is awesome, pure and simple. Daniel Craig poses a beautiful contrast to the polished prettyboy that was the Brosnan James Bond. When this guy beats someone's ass, he obviously has no fear of breaking a nail or mussing his hair.

Oh, and the two beach scenes in the little swim trucks don't hurt, either.

Undoubtedly, though, the most perfect part of the movie is the opening title sequence.

Seriously, my mouth gaped open like a slack-jawed yokel for all 3 minutes of it. I think I swallowed a fly.

Designer Daniel Kleinman [DK], who's been creating the Bond opening sequences for more than a decade, went graphic-design heavy and naked ladies light in the visually stunning opening. It's an absolute tribute to the work of Saul Bass [SB]:

The look of the rotoscoped actors tied in well with the work of another key influence on the titles – legendary designer Saul Bass. "If you look at Bass's work on titles such as The Man With The Golden Arm or Vertigo," Bartlett elaborates, "The shapes he used were pretty rudimentary – basically paper cut-outs. By applying computer technology to this basic material, we could create something that was simultaneously retro and ultra-modern." [D&V]

The opening title alone is worth the price of admission. The incredible movie that follows is just a bonus.

Casino Royale plays @ San Marco Theatre for the next 3 weeks. [SMT]

What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz? CHICKEN?!

Cafe Nola seems like a good idea. It's in an Art Museum. It has a beautiful view of Hemming Plaza. It has a menu that's classier than the average sandwich and soda joint.

But much like Communism, Cafe Nola sounds great on paper, but in reality, not so much.

Their rolls were very good. Their blueberry spread on the rolls was awesome. If I had eaten a roll and left, it would've been a great experience.

Instead, I waited 40 minutes for my food. On a weekday lunch hour. Because, you know, I can stroll back into work any time I like without a care in the world. Upon giving the waitress a "WTF?!" she explained that my pizza had gone to the wrong table, and mine would be coming out momentarily. At this point, I ask her just to box it so I can eat it at work.

Moments later, my food is presented on a plate. I'm told it's complimentary. It's beautiful, and I figure I can eat quickly, so I strap on the feedbag and go to town.

I get through 2 of 5 pieces before I notice. Is that? I poke at it with a fork. I ask my friend, "Is that?"

Chicken. They put shreaded fucking chicken on my fucking pizza. I specifically mentioned to the waitress when ordering, "I'd like this pizza if I can get it without chicken. I don't eat meat, so if that's a problem, let me know and I'll pick something else."

Currently, I am unsure if my overwhelming feeling of nausea is caused directly from the fact that I haven't had chicken in more than 1.5 years, or if it's a mental thing, and I'm making myself sick. My bet is a little of both.

My Creative Director is now walking around the office clucking like a chicken. If I do hurl, I know exactly who I'm aiming for.

Todoist: Don't dream it, finance it.

Thur: Be a part of the cattle call of lovers, hopeless romantics, and other people who you wish would spontaneously combust. Nights of Lights @ St. Augustine Plaza starts @ 6:30. [NOL]
Thur: Steve Carsella of Vibranium speaks at Flagler College. Then, in a long tradition of drunken speakers, AIGA gets him so trashed he has to be carried to his hotel. Flagler College, room K-300 @ 7:00. [VB] | [AIGA]
Thur: Tiara Celebrates 2 years of being downtown and fabulous. Comp food & beverages, makeup consult and hair styling, plus 20% off shoes & accessories. 5-8 pm @ Tiara. [TA]
Thur: What's Friday without a little hangover? Thursday Night Drinking Club @ Layla's in San Marco. [ThNDC]
Fri: A sexy alcoholic, the cutest animals on the planet tapdancing. New in Theaters: Casino Royale @ San Marco Theater, Happy Feet @ theaters around town. [SMT]
Sat: Check out how the privileged and the over-extended drown in debt live. Downtown Living Tour @ Downtown Vision. $10, 10am-4pm.[DVI]
Sat: Get your drink on in Five Points. $25 gets you in for tasting up to 400 different wines. Fall Wine Festival @ Five Points @ 6:00.

Todoist: Thursday night, Old City style

View: A wild mob of lovers strolling through the plaza, and other things that make you throw up in your mouth a little. Nights of Lights @ St. Augustine Plaza starts @ 6:30. [NOL]
Show: Steve Carsella of Vibranium talks about what it's like to have everyone jealous of him for designing things like a badass. Flagler College, room K-300 @ 7:00. [VB] | [AIGA]
Party: After the show, it's the afterparty. After the party, it's the gutter. We're going to take Steve Carsella out and get him drunk, Jax AIGA style. after all, there's a reputation to protect. [A1A]

A/V Club: God Bless the Beaches

That's what I call "classy."

UPDATED: Todoist: A movie that sucks, people who don't.

Thur: Music, Drinks, Design, and People in black. AIGA Jax hosts the Annual Design Show @ Friday Musicale. Admission is $5/15 for members/nonmembers. [AIGA]
Thur: This movie sucks. What do you expect from Keanu and Vince D'Onofrio? Thumbsucker @ JMOMA. Folio claims it's free, but UC says $5/7 for students/public. In a mud-wrestling match of credibility, my money's on Tony. [JMOMA] | [UC]
Fri: Love, sex, art, music, politics - it's exactly like my life. Well, my life had sex. And love. And music. Ok, by "exactly like," I actually mean, "Not at all." Whatever. Shortbus @ San Marco Theatre @ Midnight. [SMT]
Sat: Complimentary beverages, gifts with purchase. New owner Texie celebrates with a grand re-opening. 6-9 p.m. @ Five Points. [VLT]
Sat: Note: just because a restaurant is located in the city, does not mean it's a "local restaurant." Seriously, Pizza Hut? Taste of Jacksonville @ UNF. Shockingly, Taste of Jacksonville is cancelled. Apparently, Jax doesn't taste like Chik-Fil-A and Larry's Giant Subs, after all. [TOJ]

Newsish: Politican (n). Synonyms include statesman, turdblossom.

Open-source at its finest. Wiki calls it like it sees it, Sucka! [WIKI]
Astronaut spawns Alchonaut. When your father is running for re-election, getting arrested for drunk and disorderly is all a matter of timing. [FCN]
He's on page 16. One of Santorum's kids goes for the big time, not just discreetly giving the finger to everyone he meets, but a live viewing audience, as well. [WNK] | [TBWCYL]
Complete lack of surprise. A train crashed on the Northside today. But more importantly, there's actually a "Gun Club Road"? [N4J]

Seriously, is the T-U even trying to pretend they're impartial reporters of the news anymore?

The above photograph accompanies today's T-U story "Now it's all up to you."

As in, "Now it's up to you to decide between a vampire Demmy and a Pubby who isn't even running for office in Florida."

Seriously, the fact that they've run a photo of Davis (bottom photo) looking so "Come closer little bat, I'll show you how Ozzy Osbourne does it" initally distracted me from noticing that the man speaking in the above photo isn't even his opposition, Charlie Crist. It's a photo of John McCain, Arizona senator and Republican powerhouse.

Sure, Crist is in the photo. Cowering behind McCain like a little bitch. This photo looks like it was taken just before Crist broke out into a Wayne's World inspired "We're not worthy!"

Now it's all up to you: the vampire without dentures, or the bitchy alterboy. [T-U]

Todoist: Alcoholics Anonymous' worst nightmare.

Tues: LounGin @ C10. Attendance by invitation only. [C10]
Thurs: AIGA Jax hosts the Annual Design Show @ Friday Musicale. Music, Drinks, Design, and People in black. [AIGA]
Fri: The smell of little kid vomit and animal feces ripen for one last Midnite Madness at the fair. [JF]
Sat: Violet hosts a grand re-opening to celebrate new ownership. Complimentary beverages, gifts with purchase. 6-9 p.m. @ Five Points. [VLT]

Even God believes in separation of church & state.

I've always been a bit surprised how many voting precincts are located in churches, given the whole church v. state thing, but today I was pleasantly surprised.

Apparently, not only does God condone separation of church and state, but he has quite a sense of humor about these kind of things.

Such as when pulling up to Trinity Lutheran Church my iPod began to play "Sin" by Nine Inch Nails.

That was even better than when I got pulled over for speeding and my CD player skipped to "Piggy" as the officer approached my car.

I entered and exited the Church without a) bursting into flames or b) getting struck by lightening, which was a plus.

The real question though, is why the "Minister of Comedy" position is only a sample, and not a real question. Having Lucille Ball as the only candidate? wtf! That election is totally rigged.

Groucho Marx for Minister of Comedy!

Marketing Farmers Downtown.

There's a lot of talk about the Beaver Street Farmer's Market moving, and hopes that it'll move Downtown, in hopes that it'll be yet another step in making downtown a more social/economical place to be.

I've been to the Beaver Street Farmer's Market. It doesn't just need a new home, it needs a makeover once it gets there. It needs to make the Winter Park Farmer's Market its role model.

The WPFM is as much a Saturday social scene as it is a place to pick up fresh produce, baked goods, potted plants, or crafty things. People bring their children and their dogs to walk down the maze of booths and check out what's new, see friends, and pick up this week's veggies.

The beautiful thing about the WPFM is the way it's set up; the property is a converted train depot. The former train depot allows its space to be rented by permanent sellers, and the outdoor area is perfect for transient sellers who prefer to come out just on Saturday mornings.

So far in Jacksonville, the BSFM is awesome for fresh veggies, but it's more of a stop 'n shop than a place to see and be seen. The Hemming Plaza Farmers Market has an entertaining aspect, but it's fairly small and leaves a lot to be desired in the "farmer's market" sense (it seems more arts & crafty than fruit & veggie).

If Jax's two current lackluster markets can merge forces into a great, central location - we'd really have a reason to brag.

References:
Urban Jax's letter template to support a Farmers Market Downtown [UJ]
Metro Jax's evalution of the whole thing [MJ]
BSFM, a photo tour [MJ]
Winter Park FM Flickr [FLR]
Winter Park Farmer's Market [WPFM]

Paparazzi the Polls.

Design for Democracy, an initiative of AIGA, wants photos. [DFD]

Not those kind of photos, perv. That'll get you arrested.

The Polling Place Photo Project is intended to be a kind of citizen-based photojournalism project. Americans are apathetic. Voter turnout rates suck. Prove them wrong (or right) with a snappity snap of the people who actually do show up to vote. Or, don't. Photograph the polling place totally empty.

Since voting is about is interesting as burning toast, I say go out of your way to make things interesting. Cool camera angles? Wrinkled old man holding an American flag? And wearing a fez? A garden gnome with a voter registration card and ballot?

Seriously. Let's show them how Jacksonville do. [PPPP]

Newsish: Public pooping, masked men, the usual.

Downtown: We're the shit, yo! [FCN]
Captain Obvious: "After Halloween, police searching for masked men." Is this headline serious? [N4J]
Priorities: Truancy is the Murder Capital of Florida's top crime. What?[T-U]

This little piggy had latte, this little piggy got mocha.

This little piggy's heart exploded from too much caffeine. Don't you love a happy ending?

Good news from Uncommon Grounds - apparently somebody sold a kidney or small child to raise the cash for some serious backrent, so hopefully they'll live long enough to describe the shop as "In the heart of San Marco," instead of the current, "In the heart of the clusterfuck formerly known as Hendricks Ave." [FG]

I just picked up one of their "Five Finger Discount" flyers - five fingers, five days a week, five specials.

Mon: $1 off Mocha
Tues: 50% off Regular Coffee
Wed: 50% off Latte
Thur: $1 off Sandwiches
Fri: $1 off Happy Penguin

Foliowatch: blogosphere, elections, and your family's imminent demise

Why write, when you can steal borrow? Total word count for article "Unsportsmanlike Conduct": 86. Total word count left after removing quotes lifted directly from Parag's blog: 17. [PG 9] | [PG]
No need to vote! The system sucks! Let's get gelato. Shelton Hull educates readers to the facts: The midterm election has already come and gone, a decade is 6 years. [PG 14]
It must be sweeps. Channel 4 uses gratuitous caps lock and reminds readers to PROTECT YOUR FAMILY! ALL DAY THURSDAY. Other 6 days of the week, fuck 'em. [PG 68]

Freeloader's Guide: Artwalk is Tres Chic

Eat:
Hemming Plaza: Cake provided by Worman's. [WM] | [HP]
Florida Theatre: Food & entertainment provided by Casbah. [FT] | [CB]
Gold's Gym: Food & energy drinks. (A gym on Artwalk? WTF?) [GG]
Shugar Shack Chocolatier: Wine tasting and ChocoPop samples. [SS]

Play:
Library: Mini-salsa dance classes @ the 2nd floor courtyard. [JPL]
Boomtown: Refreshments, plus Boomsong sing-a-long. [BT]
Burrito Gallery: Music by Aerial Tribe. [BG]
Moon Colony Razorblade: Shana David, Tuffy, and The Yusge play outside. [MCR]
Bellsouth Towers: Refreshments, plus music by Goliath Flores. [BS]
JMOMA: Control Room, a documentary on al-Jazeera in the theater; excerpts from the musical “The Jungle Book” in the Atrium. [JMOMA]
Jax Bank: Music by DJ Catharsis & PC Synergy, "hospitality" provided by Lifestyles Realtors. I assume by "hospitality" they mean "good eats." [JB]

Drink:
Koja Sushi: One free sake. [KS]
Twisted Martini: One cocktail/beer/wine with an Artwalk passport. [TM]
LRK Architects: Refreshments available, art by Fogle. [LRK] | [FFA]
Does it have art? Then it probably has wine, too. [DV]