Completely mastubatory.

Tony loves me - he really loves me! And to think, I've earned such adoration just for being a hopeless social butterfly. Well, social moth. Social mantis?

Above is my favorite (read: non-pron) return from the Google Image search "sexy blog broad." What a lovely complement.

Although I do feel mildly cheated. Shouldn't there be a big ceremony, where everyone gets dressed up, and gets drunk, and pats themselves on the back all night?

Oh, wait. We call that Saturday night.

Have you tried the Hot Pocket Hot Pocket?

"Hot Pocket" Jim Gaffigan is scheduled to grace Jax with his presence April 1 at the Florida Theatre. Tickets via [TMSTR] | [LVN]

indeed.

If you are what you eat,

This is me. I am one Happy Penguin.

Uncommon Grounds (San Marco) serves "The Happy Penguin," a Mocha/White Chocolate/Caramel/Whipped Cream beverage of love.

I've talked to a few people who are ho-hum about their coffee (Which I must take their word for, since I gave up the crank some time ago), but the Happy Penguin is a great dessert drink perfect for the punch-you-in-the-face kick-you-in-the-shins type of cold that occurred this morning.

Uncommon Grounds also has a killer swiss cheese bagel, but they were out when I tried to get one for lunch. Damn.

Please enjoy additional search engine returns for the phrase "Happy Penguin."

When you live in Jacksonville, murder IS a lighter note!

Granted, this is David Gregory from the Today show, not Shannon Ogden from First Coast News, but seriously. It's just a matter of time. Note the semi-conscious look in his eyes.

Hello, my name is Killjoy.

The only problem with using a questions as a headline is when some asshole has already answered your headline in his headline.

It does, however, save readers from actually having to read the articles. Which is convenient.

Via [YAHOO]

UPDATED: What the World Wildlife Foundation?

Unwilling to touch the City Settles with Atheists firestorm, I'm keeping my big mouth shut. Please enjoy the above graffiti.

However, when an overzealous censor edits all mentions of "God" out of a movie. Well, that's not controversial - it's just funny.

So, this is the State of the Union?

What does the mass media think about the public when they're actually surprised that more people watched the State of the Union address than American Idol?

I mean, give the general public a little bit of credit! SotU has a way better drinking game than shitty Idol.

Via [FCN]

Todoist: More art than you can shake your drink at.

Tues: Om CD Release Party @ Mark's. [OM]
Tues: For the first time ever, dinner and drinks on a Tuesday @ Burrito Gallery. [UC] | [BG]
Thur: Reflections of the St. Johns Art Opening @ Fogle Fine Art @ 5-8 p.m. Free refreshments and hors d’oeuvres. [FFA]
Thur: Jaxbars Happy Hour @ The Grape @ 6-9 p.m. First drink free, e-mail Jaxopolitan for info. [JB]
Thur: Cleopatra (1934) shows as part of the Egyptian Film Series @ 9th & Main @ 7 p.m. [CMR] | [9&M]
Thur: Thursday Night Drinking Club @ Mark's @ 7-9 p.m. $5 donation buys your first drink. [ThNDC]
Fri: Opening reception @ MOCA Jacksonville @ 6-9 p.m. Free for members/$25 for nonmembers. [MOCA]
Sat: The annual Tangerine Festival @ Memorial Park (Riverside) @ 10 a.m.-10 p.m. [TF]
Sat: Molly Ringwald stars in the classic Fosse musical Sweet Charity @ The Times-Union Center @ 8 p.m. [T-U]

Drop the granola bar, and step out with your hands up.

All afternoon a police chopper has been circling the Southbank announcing a variety of things over the megaphone, not limited to, but including:

This is a police action. Clear the area immediately.
Severe weather warning. Take cover immediately.
Drop you weapon, and come out with your hands above your head.

[In honor of recent police activities, please enjoy the game "Police Chopper"]

Jacksonville: Vice City.

Given the recent blog chatter about Jax's crime rate, how appropriate is it that we have our own little GTA-Vice City style video, specific to Downtown? Sure, The Strand calls it their "Virtual Tour," but between the CGI and the music, who do they think they're foolin?


[The Strand Presents: City. No Limits.]


[Rockstar Games Presents: Grand Theft Auto: Vice City]

And everyone assumed Vice City was based on Miami. Pfft. Jax is EDGY.

No posts today?!

Todoist: The Best of Goodbyes.

Wed: Buy 2, get 1 free Tapas, no corkage fees, and 10% discount on to-go wines @ The Grotto. [GRT]
Thurs: Jacksonville Magazine hosts the Best of Party @ MOCA Jacksonville. Party runs 6-8:30, tix $20-$30. [MOCA]
Fri: A rock legend's celebration @ Square One @ 7. Free cover until 9. [SQ1]
Fri: All work and no play make Jaxopolitan something something. The Shining @ San Marco Theatre @ Midnight. [SMT]
Sat: Nicki Smith, a Jax nightlife staple, parties the last time at Pearl. She's leaving Jax to go climb wild monkeys or study rocks or something in colorado. We'll miss you, Little Monkey. [PRL]

Jacksonville's solution for affordable housing: whores.

Everyone's all over Jacksonville's Affordable Housing shortage lately. Luckily, this problem is not unique unto Jacksonville.

Artists in Tel Aviv have found the solution: prostitution. They've determined that the number of whores in your neighborhood directly correlates to rent prices. Genius!



Unwilling to prostitute themselves (who wants to stand on a street corner all day when you could be inside playing the Sims or World of Warcraft or whatever those damn kids play nowadays), they enlisted the help of a dozen or so life-size cardboard whores.

So once this big kitty city thing is over, I say the next public art work should be hookers. Do it for the kids! [VC]

Humans!

From the demented minds at Three Legged Legs, Humans! is an old-school style health awareness video, warning the planet Earth against the most vile disease in the universe: us.

It's cute, happy, and horrifying in a Happy Tree Friends style of action.

I'm not entirely sure if, at the end of the 60-second video, I'm left gasping for air from laughter or horror, but I am sure of one thing:

Somebody's going to Hell for this. [TLL]

Foliowatch: Cruising the personals.

The greatest "I Saw You" of them all:

"The Pearl 12/28 Thank you for watching over me as I vomited in the street and my friend looked for my ride home. I would like to thank you in person."

Oh, Dear. You have to be more specific than spewing outside The Pearl. A lot of people fill that description.

This is what happens when straight men watch too much Sex & the City:

"I'm not Hugh Hefner! You're no Playboy bunny sweetheart! I use dumbbells, you take Paxil! I collect movies, you're a shoe junkie! We're both somebody's ex! White male, 50, 6', 200 seeks loveable single female for true friend with great benefits!"

What kind of benefits? Like, 401(k) or dental? 'Cause I could really use a new dental plan.

So, is this live-action Tarzan, or Disney animated feature Tarzan?

"Tarzan look for Jane. Tarzan white, 46 season, 5'10", solid 180, seek Jane. Good if Jane like water, jungle, animals and high places. Ok if Jane have kids. Jane no take Tarzan to mall. Tarzan nice.

Good if Jane like high places, since the author is high often. Like when writing.

I have always loved a man in a loincloth, though.

Todoist: Alocholic beverages and slamming bodies into the ground. The usual.

Thur: AIGA hosts Cocktails & Creatives @ Campeche Bay Cantina @ The Beaches. After work until last man standing.
Fri: Jacksonville Barracudas play @ Veterans Memorial Arena @ 7:05. Violence is so much better at high speeds on ice.
Sat: Children of Men opens this weekend at the San Marco Theatre. Showings @ 4, 7:15, 9:30.

UPDATED: "Goodbye, Moto."

How so many allegedly smart people (including myself) got suckered into buying the shitty Motorola RAZR, I don't know. It's the celebutard phone that everyone bought because it's pretty, not realizing there'd be a convoluted mess of menus and a delay when you dial. The RAZR is essentially like a frat boy: Looks nice, but before it can do anything productive it first has to wake up from its drunken stupor.

Today we've all been given a reason to upgrade. At the opening Keynote presentation of MacWorld, Steve Jobs revealed the much-rumored iPhone (or whatever they'll be calling it, as I think iPhone has already been used by another manufacturer).

This is one sexy bitch.

The phone is slated to ship in february, but Apple will start taking pre-orders today. The Apple Store online is currently down, presumably to update the new merch. The Apple Store is back to running in full force, and has a pretty great interactive showcase of the new device.

Service for the iPhone will be provided by AT&T Wireless/Cingular. Currently, there's no indication of the phone on Cingular's site, but the company may have been waiting for this as an opportunity to relaunch as AT&T Wireless. If so, new web and promotion will probably be released shortly.

It looks like the lack of info about immediate purchase/preorder is due to the FCC, who have yet to approve the phone for consumer use. Fine print on the iPhone site reads, "This device has not been authorized as required by the rules of the Federal Communications Commission. This device is not, and may not be, offered for sale or lease, or sold or leased, until authorization is obtained." This also explains why the iPhone has an entire section of the Apple site to show off features, but is currently not listed anywhere in the actual Apple Store.

Follow the Keynote Presentation in realtime at Mac Rumors Live.

[MRL] | [NGT] | [APPL]

Finally, something to replace the "Snakes on a Plane" catch-phrase.

I normally don't dig reworking the masters, but some things are too good to resist:

[Blogosphere] ain't no country I ever heard of! They speak English in [Blogosphere]?

I'm fairly certain that this shop is using Sam L's likeness without license, so if you want one, snatch it before they get served with a cease and desist.

[CS] | [BB]

Light a match, this stuff sticks!

Sometimes, working in a creative field just sucks. No matter how much you stick to design rules like balance, proportion, and holding the fucking shift key when you scale something, there's always the risk that the boss will hate it and you'll feel like a fool.

Luckily, creatives around the world now have the amazing Pitch-O-Matic! Pass your work by this straight-shooter, and you'll never have to hear, "This blows chunks. Remind me why I hired you?" from the man who signs your paychecks again.

[POM] | [DWN]

Foliowatch: Fast art and phallus. Does that count as an alliteration?

Best quote of 2007 (It's early, and expectations are low): "Computers don't make good art," says Orris, "They just make bad art faster." [PG 48]
Speaking of which: Folio is looking for a new "bad, in a good way" artist. [PG 30]
My left, or your left? I think the soul patch is off to my left. [PG 37]
I get it, you think soldiers are Tools. That doesn't mean you have to make the body-bags look like dildos. [PG 74]

Todoist: Art so good, you'll scream.

Thursday: Artwalk got rained out yesterday, but tonight Burrito Gallery hosts the openings of Byron King & Family, Dan May, Sean Mahan. 6-9 pm. [BK] | [DM] | [SM]
Thursday: Free Keg to supplement some already killer drink specials while DJ Paul Zimmerman spins the best music in town. POP! @ Eclipse. [DJPZ]
Friday: The original Wes Craven horror flick. Depends, it's so scary you might just pee yourself. The Last House on the Left @ midnight @ San Marco Theatre. [LHOTL] | [SMT]
Friday: Yet another Pubcrawl Artwalk, this time in Saint Augustine. Your liver plotting a bar fight in the Absolut Americana gallery. [AGOSA]
Sunday: Gawk at Ryan Gosling's precious moments eyes at the opening of Half Nelson. 9:30 @ San Marco Theatre. [HN] | [SMT]

This fire is out of control.

Paris Hilton fired from being the representative of her namesake clubs. Reason? Perpetual absence from showing at scheduled events. Surpise factor: Paris Hilton is still relevant?

Owner hopes to find a celeb to represent the club who uses their PDA for recording appointments, not amateur porn. No word on floor-to-ceiling sterilization. [FCN]

The art of free booze and goodies.

[Click for larger, non-Godzilla Map]

So, yeah. The holidays are a lot of things. Cheap isn't one of them. Luckily, Artwalk is today and I will feel no shame in leaching free goodies anywhere I go.

This is by no means a comprehensive list, just a compilation of places listed as having goodies by DVI, and a few who aren't listed as hosting refreshments, but I have a good feeling about.

Also, what the hell is up with the numbering on Artwalk's map? It seems like once you realize you want to check out the Florida Theatre, you're already halfway to Hemming Plaza, and don't really want to walk back. again.

It's like a trip to Disney. If you zig from Pirates of the Caribbean to Space Mountain, you'll see hardly anything. But strategize properly, and you can circle everything with enough time for a second trip on Big Thunder Railroad.

Default:
[A] TSI: Unlisted - Wine forecast cloudy. $1.50 Ciders.
[B] Florida Theatre: Food by Raglands and Fuel Coffeehouse, complimentary wine.
[C] TTV Architects: Unlisted - But wine is a good possibility.
[D] 11E: Unlisted - They always have shitty wine.
[E] Headquarters: Music by DJ Catharsis and PC Synergy, "hospitality (read: grub) provided."
[F] Gold's Gym: Free massage chair, food and refreshments.
[G] WA Knight Building: Thieves in the Knight. Unlisted - Wine forecast cloudy.
[H] Chew: Live music from The Carlisle Group. If you need food to absorb all the wine you've downed, eat here. The food's not free, but it's worth it.
[I] Bryan Building Loft Gallery: Live music and refreshments.
[J] Shugar Shack Chocolatier: Complimentary wine and samples of ChocoPop.
[K] The Art Center (The Carling): Music, beverages and hors d’oeuvres.
[L] Burrito Gallery: No free stuff, strictly afterparty.

Auxiliary:
[X] LRK Architects: Wine and refreshments available.
[Y] Koja Sushi: First sake free.
[Z] Twisted Martini: Free premium cocktail, bottle or draft beer, glass of house wine or the martini of the day (with Artwalk Passport).

As always, the "official" Artwalk afterparty is at Twisted Martini. But seriously? It's Chew for good eats and Burrito Gallery for drinks and people sightings.

Download the original Artwalk Passport from Downtown Vision. [DVI]

Logic, according to conservative media.

So, let me get this straight. Pornography is bad, but Snuff films are good? [GAWK]

"Dude, where's my car?"

To say I'm not a fan of drunk driving is an understatement. So on New Year's Eve, when a friend asked for a ride home, I didn't hesitate.

"Tomorrow we'll do brunch and pick up your car afterwards."

On National Hangover Day, I picked him up, we had brunch, and drove Downtown to pick up his car, parked on Bay Street outside TSI.

The only problem is, his car wasn't there.

After a couple phone calls to the city, he determined that his car had been towed off the street to ease the flow of traffic because of a game at Alltel. We got the address of the wrecker company and were on our way.

However, the wrecker company closed for the New Year's Day holiday. (Sidebar: How can a tow company be available to tow your car at 3 am, but not be available to release your car the next day at 3 pm?)

-

Law enforcement officials have no problem telling people not to drink and drive. They don't hesitate to pull drunk drivers off the road. These are in the interest of public safety, and these are great things.

But it's reprehensible when someone listens to the "Don't drive drunk" advice and get penalized for it.

City law enforcement leaders know that New Year's Eve is one of the biggest nights of the year for over-consumption. That's why they set up sobriety checkpoints and increase officers on duty.

My friend did the responsible thing. He realized he was too drunk to safely drive home, and he asked somebody for help. And in the process, he got screwed.

When law enforcement punishes good behavior, is it much different than condoning bad behavior?