Things I learned in Miami.

- Girls rollarblading in bikinis is not a stereotype. It is a way of life.
- Crosswalks are a suggestion. Only tourists obey them.
- So are red lights.
- Not running red lights will get you honked at.
- When you see the man riding his bike down the street with a rooster on the back, wait until you're out of earshot to mention, "nice cock."
- If a bar has $4 mojitos and is in South Beach, it's a gay bar.
- If a bar is playing Madonna and it is in South Beach, it's a gay bar.
- Men: The line, "I'm from the sex institute. We like to have lots of sex." Will not get you laid.
- Men: Neither will, "When I saw your body, I wanted to be in it."
- Women: "So why are you single?" "I'm a complete bitch." Will.
- If the hotel pool and beach access are 24 hour, you will find people drinking and swimming 24 hours.
- There no glass is allowed on the pool deck. A handle of rum in a plastic bottle is.
- One can lose 3 pounds in 5 days by eating a light breakfast, a hearty lunch, and rum and coke for supper.
- If your flight is at 7 a.m., and you don't leave the hotel until 6 a.m., you will sleep on the airport floor until 3 p.m.
- Macaroni and cheese with tomatoes, scrambled eggs with maple syrup and a glass of milk will help with the headache part of a hangover.
- It will not help with the nausea part of a hangover.
- Never make fun of a friend with a Saturday morning hangover when the likelihood is high you will have a hangover on Sunday.

It could always be worse.

This will probably be my only post this week, as I'm out of town tomorrow-Friday, and prepaing for an absence at work is almost enough to make Chuck Norris cry. Almost.

Please visit my buddies listed to the right for the best info about what's going on about town. See you next week!

Local man develops products for Ask.com, farts information.

Note to JBJ, when creating a photo-collage, be wary of background elements that come too close to the subject's delicate areas.

Looking at the above graphic, my question is does this Will Reed guy have very informational flatulence, or is he just talking out of his ass?

Todoist: Coke, Hoes, Wine, and Birthdays.

Wed: Local film Cocaine Angel screens at MOCA as part of their Q&A series. $8 cover, $6 students. MOCA @ 7 p.m.
Wed: Thee Imperial hosts the Gemini Ball. Pimp/Ho theme, Pimp/Ho auction, Beer Pong, drink specials for Geminis. No cover for ladies (pre-midnight) or geminis (all night).
Friday: New wine bar Tastings celebrates their grand opening with deals, raffles, and live music.
Sat: Tastings continues their grand opening celebration with performances by Aerial Tribe @ 8 p.m.-midnite-ish.
Sat: Anomaly celebrates their two-year birthday with a summer party. 10% off all purchases, cold adult beverages, and excellent people. Anomaly in Five Points @ 6 p.m.
Sun: The Jacksonville Allstars kick it in Memorial Park. Kickball game @ 2 p.m.

Homobombastic.

Just imagine the kind of damage a gay bomb could do. People would be permanently blinded by the reflections of disco balls and sweat on waxed chests! Walmart stock would plummet, while Abercrombie & Fitch and Banana Republic would skyrocket! Birkenstocks would eclipse high-heels as the sexy footwear of choice for women!

Oh, the humanity!

Happy Fuckin' Friday

Todoist: Guys and Dolls and Balls.

Thur: Dozens of local restauranteurs come out the play at the annual Foodfight benefitting Second Harvest Food Bank. $50 cover. Jax Municipal Stadium @ 6-9 p.m.
Fri: Classic bad-guy-loves-good-girl musical Guys and Dolls opens at Theatre Jax and runs through 6.23. $20 cover. Show @ 8 p.m.
Fri-Sat: Inconceivable! The Princess Bride shows as the Midnite Movie @ SMT.
Sat: Have your ever heard a death rattle? Boomtown's last night in the Subterranean space. $12 cover. Nocturnal Escape Soul Release @ 8ish.
Sun: The Jacksonville Allstars kick it in Memorial Park. Kickball game @ 2 p.m.

Artwalking with style: The Freeloader's Guide.

[click to download the completely unofficial (but more boozy and geographically sound) jaxopolitan artcrawl map]

1: OPAQ @ TSI: Art=interactive installation. Munchies=free [chew?].
2: LRK Architects: Art=hit or miss. Wine=free.
3: Florida Theatre: Art=good. Wine=free.
4: TTV Architects: Art=meh. Wine=free [crap].
5: AmSouth Bank: Art=student. Wine=bleak.
6: Bank of North Florida: Art=unknown. Wine=free. Munchies=free.
7: BellSouth Tower: Art=hit or miss. Munchies=free.
8: Café 331: Art=unknown [canvas and prints]. Wine=unconfirmed. Munchies=free.
9: River City Deli: Art=unknown [photography]. Wine=free. Munchies=free.
10: Jacksonville Bank Building: Art=good. Wine=free. Entertainment=music [PC Synergy].
11: Gold's Gym: Smoothie=free. Massage=free. Gymnasium smell=free.
12: WA Knight Building: Art=excellent. Beverages=hit or miss.
13: Chew: Art=none. Food=awesome [pay]. Entertainment=music [The Carlisle Group].
14: VyStar: Art=unknown [renderings, cityscapes]. Beverages=free. Munchies=free.
15: Bryan Building: Art=hit or miss. Wine=none. Entertainment=model drawing and painting, spoken word, music.
16: Hemming Plaza: Art=both the best and the worst. Entertainment=hit or miss [drum circle, bellydancing, scenes from The Rocky Horror Show].
17: MOCA Jacksonville: Art=good. Full bar=cash.
18: Shelby’s Coffee Shop: Art=unknown [photography]. Beverages=free. Munchies=free.
19: Needless Things: Art=unknown [glass, ceramics, canvas]. Wine=free.
20: Laura Street Gallery: Art=meh. Wine=free. Munchies=free.
21: Shugar Shack Chocolatier: Wine=free. Munchies=free [chocopop].
22: The Art Center: Art=hit or miss. Wine=free. Munchies=free.
23: Burrito Gallery: Art=good. Beverage=pay. Entertainment= music.
24: London Bridge Eatery & Pub: Art=good. Beer=free w/flyer. Entertainment=live music.

Download the official Artwalk Flyer from Downtown Vision. [DVI] [WARNING: Burrito Gallery, Central Fire Station, London Bridge and TTV Architects are all noted 1 block east of actual locations]

Shopaholics Anonymous.

Word through the grapevine is Parisian department store is going out of business (they were bought by competitor Belk).

As such, there's a serious sale going on, as they're liquidating all their inventories (especially the Parisian label). Sales are 40%-50% off-ish.

Discount shoe shopping, anyone?

Ah, the beach. Waves crashing into the sand, Cars crashing into buildings - This is the life.

A driver with an outstanding warrant for failure to appear on a DUI charge and a suspended license crashed a $100,000 Mercedes into the Surf Station in Saint Augustine.

Wait, isn't Paris Hilton supposed to be in Jail, not in St. John's County? [FCN]

Todoist: Return of the Killer Tomatoes.

Tue: C10 hosts "Duck & Cover!" Helmets optional. After work-ish.
Wed: Artwalk Artcrawl Downtown. Rundown to come the day of.

Postscript: Thanks for hanging around despite my noticeable absence. I wish I could say it was a glamorous overseas vacation, but alas, it was just a couple intense work weeks.

The Toolist.

In case you checking the Todoist to see what to do this weekend, Jaxo P. is at the Tool concert.